[DISCLAIMER: Not actual good advice. Do not follow. Merely for entertainment. Also, the problems are made up.]
Anon: I received a secret admirer letter and I need to know who wrote it. Sadly, it's typed up and in Spanish, so I can't tell who it might be.
War Hawk Advisor: Let's see... it seems as if plenty of people have this problem. Well, the first logical step is to figure out whom all of your friends wrote to. Run them over with horses in disguise as unicorns if need be. Once you are positive it isn't one of your friends, corner anyone who gives you as much as a second look. Threaten to run them over with unicorns, even if you don't have any. Your best bet, however, is to find a suspicious looking person and pretending you know, when you don't. If they trip up, you have the person. If they don't trip up, keep on trying.
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